Hovering morning birds spoiled by the feeder.
On my patio I scope the shift in their beaks. Ha!
They misplaced their brunch spoiled guts with wings!
Can't use your beaks to break my plans. You can
leave me for the pinetrees, I might care
You can dance with my smoke as i sit
with my shit free chair. Move on my pets,
the thrill is on, my sunflower seeds, my adult
beverage. You have it made your hogged
flight power, your singing skills, but I still win.
This is very good in regards to imagery. I feel suing the world "spoiled" twice is too redundant. The birds come to life and paint a scene that is very toned down and casual. They bring a casual moment to life.
ReplyDeleteI am going to start with my favorite part, the rhyming of care and chair was very well timed and flowed very nicely. The end of line two, "Ha!" was a nice way to change the rhythm of the poem and reset the mood of it. Overall this is a good first write, I would encourage you to try to strengthen the power of the language, specifically the last three lines and the first two lines. The skeletons are there, maybe do what we did in class today in regards to picking and choosing words or adding words. "Hovering morning birds" is a mouthful and may be more powerful if you use some other words to reduce the syllable count. Additionally it's understood that birds can fly (hover) and that birds eat in the morning. Like Dr. Davidson says you get that for free. Overall I like this poem, specifically because it does paint a picture and it's something that I have totally done or can relate to.
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