Improv from Design by Robert Frost
I see a frozen wasp floating like an October leaf,
Held by an ant showing off for me
making their way to the pinery.
A tiny group of green and wings pesting in the sunset light.
Needles poke holes in the earth, the wasp
with its dead stinger, and the ant soldiering with
its weighing catch.
Ok I tried really hard to make this rhyme and I wanted to make my own version of the poem because I like it so much. I gave up after the third line.
Kudos for you for attempting a rhyming poem. Honestly, I don't think I have the guts for that. It's really easy to confine yourself in a rhyming poem, and though I feel you fell into a few pitfalls (that happens when we limit ourselves sometimes) I feel like you successfully handled the rhyming without being too heavy-handed. Still, I'd have to say that rhyming is better handled when it's a la Lowell, where it's natural and almost slips by unnoticed. A few of the lines feel slightly forced. Showing off for me... pinery... I think that might be why I identify so much with the second half of the piece. That's where you let the reigns go and you began to create some striking bits of language.
ReplyDelete"green and wings pesting". it creates this vibrant image that the rhyme scheme inhibited in the first three lines. And I always love a nominal verb. Pest-ing. It ties in so well with the subject of this work, and yet, it is almost easy to miss this word in the line. This is what I mean by subtlety.
This is perhaps nit-picking but would the stinger poke holes or drag pits? I would love to continue this image of drudgery. I think the next step is to take the great image you have set up here and then run off with it. Make it into another tangent. You could so easily tie this into another idea. Continue to work with this, tie other things in, but always retain the image to bring you back in. I feel like this is a good beginning for something thought-provoking.
I hope you can work something out with your rhyme scheme. As always, hope this helps.
Also, I forgot to mention the internal rhyme in "green and wings pesting." Note where the stresses fall. GREEN. WINGS. ING. It's so naturally successful. One more reason why I loved this line. Just had to add that.
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