Synesthesia
The fake smile he gave me was probably the driest greeting I've ever experienced.
I could never digest the thickness of that rocket science lecture.
His walk was cracked like the shell of an egg.
Mama's chicken soup had a rainbowy taste to it.
I could feel his life draining like coke down my throat
The bursts of his feelings is still ringing in my ears even though he said not a word.
I bit his life and spat it out like house rats
Your tipsy potato is falling off your plate
The trees look like drunken fools in the rain
Did you really have to stir the life out of that pancake mix?
In response to Samaria’s Calisthenics’ Synesthesia
ReplyDelete“ digest the thickness of that rocket science lecture” – maybe add a bit of pizzazz to that thickness.. it makes me wonder, ‘how thick?’ … maybe add some specificity like “rocket science lecture… so damn thick it is like digesting pancake mix mixed with cement and face cream”
“His walk was cracked like a shell of an egg” – this made me laugh! But then again, add some specificity. Something like “ .. shell of an egg that I threw on my brother’s neck”
“…tipsy potato is falling off your plate” definitely love this sentence! I can most definitely imagine a drunk potato … falling off a plate.
“trees look like drunken fools in the rain” nice follow up on the tipsy potato. But I almost want to add another sentence after that and say : has it been raining vodka today?”
Good piece with some interesting thoughts there. Like I have mentioned before, maybe add some level of specificity and it will be a stronger poem.