I should have said no but yes as always I said.
Can I borrow your Krispy Kreme doughnuts?
Can I eat your favorite tee-shirt? Yes, yes?
No matter what you ask, it is yes. The
Yes way is the easiest. I throw my
No's like boomerangs, but I'm the
D-Rose of yes's. How else can I
Understand why you always have sleeps
Full of yes's and mine are full of messes?
Or are they dreams of lessons? I guess
It's hard to gently place my foot in my chest.
I love those "s" sounds you're manipulating in this piece. Though the meaning of certain lines get muddled, the "s" sound moves this piece along without there even having to be a reason. The repetition of "yes" really bogs that word down, much like the speaker is bogged down by his/her usage of the word "yes."
ReplyDeleteI like the use of outlandish questions. Can I eat your favorite tee-shirt, of course, being my personal favorite.
I wish you would continue the "no's like boomerangs" image. And I'm unfamiliar with D-Rose, but that doesn't mean you should change that part unless that is something that might not be widely known?
By the time the piece hits, "How else can I understand..." I as the reader begin to become confused with what is being communicated. I can no longer see images or understand conversation and I'm wondering if there was an attempt to mix words around in this section that there was with the krispy kreme donut and the shirt. It's hard to because as a reader I am not tapped into the speaker's train of thought.
I feel like there could be more to the piece. Perhaps some scene to illustrate the yes/no issue. Maybe even some type of conflict--though nothing dramatic of course.
I'm tossing between the last line. I love the completion the last "s" in chest gives, but I feel there was a jump to getting to that line that the piece was not ready for, otherwise it seems heavy and unattached. How can we manage that leap from dreams to what I'm assuming, is the inconvenience of the heart? Hope this helps.
“Yes is always I said” sounds dyslexic because it is compared to the obvious way of saying it by stating “I always said yes”. I see how you were maybe playing on words to make it unique but I think it makes more sense if it was structured normally. “Eat your favorite tee-shirt” is a really interesting line because it is out of the ordinary. “Have sleeps” wounds weird. I would like to see more definition as to what is being said “yes” to, and what characters are involved, and create a scene. This poem is about the word “yes” and using it as a life philosophy, however its part in the poem may be slightly excessive because hearing all the “s” sounds can get overwhelming.
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